Growing Love in Marriage

Have you ever imagine what will be your marriage proposal looks like one day? Under sky full of stars somewhere outside beautiful mountain? Dinner on a most romantic restaurant in the town?

And for me, my first proposal happened in face time. Yes, it is an Iphone application built for making video calls over Wi-Fi from your iPhone, iPad, iPod touch, or Mac to someone else’s, and I still think that is the most romantic thing happened in my life. After hours of time we spend our conversation through this Apple application, it was the only real thing he could imagine to make a proposal to marry me, and funnily he ask Steve Jobs on heaven as the witness of this proposal.

Yes, the idea seems spontaneous after we flashing back on every moment we share together and suddenly he decides to why we are not declared ourselves as married now? We than discuss about the concept of the married itself that should be really basic and simple. “I think married should be happened based on the consciousness and two people wills as the very basic”, he said. Yes I am on his words on that, and that is probably what makes married in our society and culture as Indonesian seems doesn’t works now days.

Married in the concept of Indonesian culture and society is more like a social ceremonial acceptance and legitimation. It is more to an action of gaining social status that will define the level and the position of a person in society rather than an agreement of two people that consciously in love and want to work together in order to move to higher level of commitment. Indeed, there is no such thing Indonesia culture will understand the words of “consciously coupling” (it is my antithesis word for the Hollywood trending words “consciously uncoupled” stated by Gwyneth Paltrow to explain her split with Chris Martin), the ‘conscious’ word highlighting the terms.

Self-consciousness, a sense of self-awareness, it is a preoccupation with oneself, which is the awareness that one exists as an individual being, and for me marriage is one of life process that should be build based on consciousness. Marriage is a carriage of united consciousness, as Yogi Bhajan said, and some of these marriage manuals might gives a rejoice:

  • The ideal marriage is a way of life in which a husband and wife compromise to face the time and space together for the security of their own and their children’s lives. Marriage is the institution, which cannot get boring, because it is a continuous hassle against time and space. How can a thing become boring when you have to exert every minute of your life to keep it going?
  • The institution of marriage is the honest, living commitment of two individuals. It must be lived unto God, unto the last breath, through time and space, come what may. If these elements are missing, it becomes a sexual, physical, emotional relationship for temporary convenience. It is a mental prostitution. So don’t misunderstand the institution of marriage, its cause and effects.
  • Marriage is a process of amalgamation. If you put copper and zinc together, you’ll end up with a new alloy: brass. There is neither copper nor zinc left. In the institution of marriage, two people become totally merged. They lose their basic properties and come out with a common alloy, which is socially known as a married couple, with different virtues and different allocations of duties in life.
  • Marriage is an institution. It’s a creative institution of human consciousness. It’s a carriage of united consciousness, united happiness. It’s the highest yoga. When you get married, if you feel separate on one account, you’ll feel separate on every account. Why do our marriages break? Because we feel separated on one account and united on other accounts. That’s not the way this institution is established. We found that individual consciousness cannot help marriages. Marriage is an institution which depends upon honoring the word. That is why the scriptures say, “Whosoever honors the word of his marriage is honored in the court of the Lord.”
  • Marriages are organic. They have to live and grow. Marriage is an organized, clever, diplomatic hassle. The institution of marriage is a test of the total human caliber. It is the most difficult thing in the world to remain married. Husband and wife can’t be negative at the same time. When one is negative, the other is positive. You can never be still. Either you are on the way up or down. Marriage is a carriage of a united soul. Souls must join. I must understand you. You must understand me. God provides the understanding.

Okay, that probably just a brief manual, but love should be the basic ingredients of a marriage. “I can’t give you the formula for meeting the person you’re going to love,” says Lennon. “But it’s around and it happens,” he adds, saying it happened for him at 29 years old, when he met Ono, who was 32 at the time. The reason they got married, he said, was because they “turned out to be romantics.” Speaking about their closeness as a couple, Lennon said, “If you love somebody, you can’t be with them enough. There’s no such thing. We don’t want to be apart.”

And I probably describe my chemistry formula like a works of coffee chemistry, like what has been described in coffee philosophy wrote by Dee in her book. “As beautiful as any letters engraved, could it be meaningful if there is no pause? Understandable if there is no space? We can only move if there is a distance? Loving each other if there is a space? Take my hand, but not too tight, because I want to be side by side and not to be herded.” And from there we are sharing an agreement in a concept of love that works like “drinking the same coffee, but from each other’s cup” it is a concept of love that should be work based on respect and partnership in belief about growing together in our own entity for the same shared vision and dreams. Consciously define our concept of love and agree on the same value of marriages, we than decide to be married over and over again, to keep on working on our love and to keep falling in love again and again. We promise to keep renewing our marriage proposal every time we find a very romantic moment, and emotionally loving place. Because that is how we are going to work on our marriage will be, a works that grow based on love.

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