Live, Learn, and Grow 

a digital footprint of a daydreamer, full-time adventurer and a mother

Another Ordinary Night

Crown and Carlton beer in Ayu’s apartment window after chit chatting all night with Alfie, pizza and beer will be a perfect accompany for summer night

Sitting on cheap wine pub somewhere in Lygoon street. Wondering where were you? I was in the mood of imagining that we are still sharing the same star when a snack called fortune cookies so tempting to try.

It seems, I was dragged by my curiosity about knowing what’s written on the paper. Yes, I always miss you this much everyday. Keeping you in my mind with a proper amount froth thickness of a latte. Amount that make it enough to cover the top of the glass in a size of pinky finger’s tip. I wanna make it perfect in composition and wait until the froth itself dripping in milk coffee emulsion in its bottom. That is the time when your latte was not to hot to touch your lips. The right time, the right taste, the right amount, with the right sensation. Yes, I made my froth with faith on you.

Death by Association in Colourless Hysteria

What will we eat for our breakfast today? A bowl of white expired milk film with grainy noise cereal. As sour as yesterday passes us with bitterness. Sucking my breakfast straight from my bowl, I was expecting nothing from my Rollei Retro 400 black and white film, entitled in Echa’s Yashica Minimatic. They were just as suppose they are. I always being a person who never sure about myself.

Occupying my mind with sets of instructions, priceless time, ages of innocent ignorance. Being salvation in a machine called life, expectation, purity.

In cause of indignity, barely let my self bowing to featureless ambition, inconstantly challenge vagueness, ambiguity, misspelled behavior of a child. Dancing naked presenting the truth, again about what? About nothingness.

I want to know what will your velvet norma believe in? To tell the truth I was so shy not to do everything based on the book. So scared, that I feel ashamed to said that your chromosome tangled a bit in my mind. You never show me…

I am a sinner, imbecilic retarded soul that longing for liberation. I swear by the grave of my foolishness, I wish I was reborn somewhere else outside the universe, open my eyes without faulty.

Since, I never been interested in any of broken rainbow who shaping those lunatic branches. I simply want to buried my head inside your dream. Sneaking deep into your mind, still memory, unconsciousness, like a tiny mole.

Setting up some moment to set my spirit free, satisfying my mouth watering curiousity. Trough my darkness smile, brightness dark star, an explosion of supernova.

Life growing old, leaving its warmth, losing its faith, lines of disability. No one filling into their expectation, storm of constant selfishness, leaving the unborn dying in cold immature dogma. Have you ever ask time how it need to understand?

I am fading away, in alpha illumination of a broken hearted. A limp human, in trembling voices I whispering word call home, a place where I belong. Breaking up the deal, the soul taker mark down my cremated body. Give one more chance to have a blink of deep sleep, eternity.


Yarra River on one windy autumn, Melbourne 2010

How does it feels falling in love with a giant huge hunks? “Jai guru deva om” – Nothing’s gonna change my world. I got my whole world into me as if I’m falling into humongous fluffy clouds. Fi! Fa! Foe! yelled the giant to jack whose pooping up in the top of the beans talk. You’re my eggplant in a purple well-done dishes, easy to swallowed without any hard work to chew. A green spotlight watermelon bubble tape chewing gum, elastically blown and simply irresistible. Hello, may I speak with Mr.Green Spotlight, please? tut..tut..tut.. the person you are calling is inactive and temporary disable. Yes Mr. Green, I know you have turn on your flight mode right now, and we are playing save in a back lava room, hundred feet from the ground. Let me push that off button inside of you so you can see clearly a way to my heart. Bulls Eye!!! There you got it! I know it!! I know it!! You can do it! I am so relive I got you under my skin.

Literally It was a Hoax, but I love fairy tales anyway, and again Nothing’s gonna change my world. How about Goldilocks and The Three Bears? Kriiinggg, the bells ringing, class over, time to go home.


One of my routine stop in Malvern East Street a Coin Laundry with May Tag Machine, Melbourne 2009

I always in love by the way concept being established. Like having chemical reactions in your dull brain, we try to construct what have been received by our sense in our consciousness. Concept is a higher level of abstraction; at least that’s what I believe. Once philosopher ever said, “I am exist because I think I was exist” Something there because we try to construct in our mind about that material or object as a concept. Furthermore, if those concepts were being agreed and accepted as common knowledge or gathered in one voice, they will mean something.



({}). ({}). ({}). ({}). ({}). ({})


you mistyped your hugs


It’s a secret code



let me guess




Blm yak?







No I don’t see u here :(


you try to make a pumpkins

or kue cucur maybe




Aku mau bikin kue kesemek



kesemek bisa dibikin kue?

ok kita sepakat itu kue kesemek




Mulai ga jelas bahasannya :p


I’m with you with those words

mari gila bersama



>:D< hug, :) smile, :p = sticking tongue out, :D = grin, :( = sad

Words were one example of high concept of abstraction. As human being civilize themselves with symbol which they find it as a tool of communication. Nowadays, words and symbol expand in their essence of more than just a ‘tool’ of communication. Remember what you mom probably ever said twenty years ago “don’t talk to strangers”. I wouldn’t imagine what she ever said now if she know that her daughter was kissing and hugging with emoticons. Your mom might have never been involved in what is so called cyberspace interaction. Another dimension of life that might sucked 50% time of modern people today. They replace their real life with dimension of technology which creates virtual community bigger than world and compete with universe itself. Unlimited space of interaction> communication> words> symbol> concept> and abstraction. Development of technology seems always try to challenge every limit of human-computer-human interaction. They translate human needs of visual appearance and behavior trough symbol. Technology give an answer to your mom that her daughter is dating a yellow round small boyfriend with no nose, named emoticon.

Optical Illusion

Window’s View from Ayu’s Apartment, Melbourne 2010

When 6 degrees in Melbourne means 22 degree in Washington, I have my black coffee with a slice of blueberry cheesecake. There is a quote from one of romantic drama movie “My Blueberry Night” scene when Jude Law give his analogy about relationship.

“At the end of every night a cheese cake and the apple pie are always completely gone. There’s piece cobbler and chocolate mousse cake are nearly finish. But it’s always a whole blueberry pie left untouched. So what’s wrong with the blueberry pie? It’s nothing wrong with the blueberry pie. People make another choices, you can’t blame the blueberry pie, it’s just no one wants it.”

This is actually story about “Our Secret Goodbye”

Nothing more self-hurting than letting you off out my door. The longest detachment trough a whole love story. It was December 2008, first summer in my life, first time I saw you. There you are appear in front of my door, standing behind your best friend. Geezz, how I miss those warm summer, as seasons changing for the second time. It was a marvelous time to held a house warming. Glasses toast of wine, bottles of beer, Daniel’s home made cookies, I still reckon that’s the best home made cookie I ever had in Melbourne. He probably made those cookies with love for my best friend which he never admit it. All I can see is a smile in corner of my bedroom which also functions as living room. Smiling quietly in your secret way, like 5 watt bulb, bright and soft.

Is there any such thing called love at first sight? Now I just thought that was just a merely bedtime story. Sight-See-Eyes = Optical Illusion? In my opinion, that was something that you are unworthy believe. Maybe, since eyes were located near to your brain, they will give spontaneous response to process an idea or perception in your mind. While heart in the other hand, need to work harder to give an idea about what you feel about someone for the first time. You need time to understand what your heart says about someone, but believe me it’s worthed. Can you imagine how heart functioned to flow blood trough all of your body, it makes all your nerves and sense work properly. You can let your eyes to have a rest, but not with you heart. Your heart will continue working to keep you alive.

When you saw someone at first, your heart wouldn’t have any change to give its response directly, meanwhile your eyes will tell whatever may appear with it. Yeah maybe, your heart too busy doing its main job than to tell the truth about what other senses felt about what’s happened. I trust my heart more than my eyes when I am falling in love. Maybe the symptoms appear to be a raise on your blood, faster beat of your heart, reddish complexion in your skin tone, warmth temperature of your cheek. You might still want to denied it, but you cannot avoid it.

For me, what ever happened to my heart when you walking out of my door at your last day in Melbourne. It cries pouring blood everywhere trough small holes, it needs another one summer and two times of winter to let my heart working on you again. Hey but, I just find out that it works stronger now, a lot of more better than the first time.

So you are my blueberry pie, I won’t touch you two years before. But I’ll keep you a whole piece in the end of the day and have you as my dinner. Since I don’t want to share any slice of you with the others, I still have to wait to touch you for the next of two years.

Caffeinated With You

50 cents doughnut in Camberwell sunday market my must have breakfast for weekend, Melbourne 2009

How would you like to have your coffee done?
Ehm as always, long black with two sugars. Make it two shot please! And I’ll be ready to rock on my days. They usually double-up the cup, don’t be too stupid to realize that either short or long black were hotter than regular late, flat white, or cappuccino. That’s why I always get my own rubberized-hold take away cup everywhere with me. Purely flavored smell of roasted coffee come out with the steamed hot water; simple, straight, bold, dare for insane. Milk will only make it weaker, some people may have it to let its froth licked by their tongue, but not for me. I’m not a kind of short time player, I challenge eternalness. no decaf! Since I’m still lovin the way caffeine work with my mood, taste like love at first sight. Yup, you can call it A Shot In The Dark: ‘Hammerhead’ as stubborn as I am, but two sugar will enough to reincarnated me into a not cold-hearted human being, like the others.

Drizzle In My Window

I probably not kind of young and restless, this about me being grown up and lay back. Will this mean no spark anymore? Honestly I’m tired kissing you with emoticon. Just what I feel when I wake up this morning realize what the hell I’ve been living on? Detachment to stay online till 2.00 AM in front of my computer, consider that It was 1.00 PM  in Washington where you’ve just finish your class, and I know It will be impossible for us to create conversation before that. It happened now, I’m too lazy making conversation with you, since it’s winter and I can only find drizzle in my window, as your summer sweating you there. Again, yah It is only because drizzle in my window.

Hey, I’m weeping. So true, I like to hurt myself more that I would dare hurt others.  Blood, as red as rose smells delicate scent at least it was mine. Wait! Those fairies have finish bake some tasteful cupcake. Not too sweet I guess, since I don’t like too much sugar in my fairytale, Yeah I will get another toothache if you try to act too sweet.


All pictures are taken with Holga 120 CFN Color Flash. The Holga camera was initially introduced to the Chinese public in 1982 as an inexpensive camera for everyday use. Shortly after its introduction, it became an underground artistic phenomena. Using the Holga is an exercise in breaking free from dependence on technology, precision and controllability. The slight softness of the images, vignetting and random light leaks produce dream-like, one-of-a kind images. The Holga 120CFN is modeled after the original Holga 120N released in 1982 but includes a built in flash with a spinning color wheel for your choice of red, yellow, blue or standard white flash.

Unknown 120 mm Black and White Film

Melbourne, 2009

Turbulansi Ekosistem Bangsa

Melbourne to Changi 13 Juli 2009
Saya berangkat dari Melbourne dengan maskapai Singapore Airlines yang direncanakan akan transit di bandara Changi pukul 16.20, pindah ke gate E24 untuk ganti penerbangan SQ 966 menuju Jakarta. Saya begitu senang gembira gegap gempita apalagi sejak duduk di mobil yang mengantar saya ke bandara dipenuhi dengan tembang-tembang pop Indonesia. Saya pulang! Senyum sayapun tersungging gugup bersama lagu Love Vigilantes milik New Order yang liriknya saya anggap mewakili perasaan saya,

“I want to see my family, my wife and child waiting for me. I want to go home I’ve been so alone you see…”. Seperti serdadu yang baru dikirim pulang dari medan perang, dengan semangat empat lima saya menatap keluar jendela pesawat, tak sabar untuk segera menengok bangsaku Indonesia. “Oh I flew through the sky my convictions could not lie, for my country I would die and I will see it soon…”

Flight SQ 966
“Permisi mba, saya duduk di A”. Sambil menunjuk tempat duduk yang masih kosong di dekat jendela. Entah, terdengar atau hanya menebak dari bahasa tubuh saya kedua orang perempuan yang sangat saya yakin berkebangsaan Indonesia itupun beringsut sedikit menggeser kakinya. Keduanya berambut panjang sepinggang. Mereka sepertinya tidak saling mengenal satu sama lain, karena semenjak pesawat tinggal landas tidak saya dengar satu diantara mereka yang membuka percakapan. Perempuan yang duduk di kursi ujung dekat gang pesawat mengenakan kacamata dengan ukiran berwarna emas di pinggiran framenya, saya tidak memperhatikan huruf yang tertera di sampingnya apakah itu G besar, LV besar, atau D&G besar. Sedangkan perempuan satunya yang duduk ditengah, pas disamping saya mengenakan jaket jeans berwarna biru tua. Asumsi sementara dengan penguatan hipotesa 70% dibenak saya menyimpulkan bahwa mereka berdua adalah TKW Indonesia.

Pesawat tinggal landas dari Changi, dan sejam kemudian kami menyantap makan malam jatah pesawat dengan cepat. Setelah cukup kenyang, saya pun menegur perempuan disamping saya dengan sok akrab. “Orang Indonesia ya mba?” Si perempuan sedikit terkejut tapi lantas tersenyum gugup malu-malu sambil menjawab “Iya”. Saya pun melanjutkan percakapan “Kerja di Singapur mau pulang ke Jakarta ya mba?”

“Ngga itu tadi saya transit di Singapur, pesawat saya tadi dari Kuwait” Bahasanya begitu kental dengan logat Jawa Barat, tapi saya masih belum bisa menebak lebih spesifik daerah mana. Setelah melontarkan beberapa pertanyaan untuk mencairkan percakapan akhirnya mbak disamping saya itu mulai lancar bercerita tanpa malu-malu dengan volume suara medium tentang perjalanannya. Saya baru sadar ternyata dia tadi begitu tegang dan malu-malu sebelum saya tegur terlebih dahulu, karena setelah percakapan kami terus mengalir dia begitu bersemangat bercerita tentang kehidupannya dengan lebih terbuka dan berani. Lucunya saya sering menangkap si Mbak satunya lagi menengok curi pandang kearah kami, entah karena dia merasa terganggu oleh suara si mba yang sedang bercerita dengan vulgar tentang kehidupannya dan memberikan sinyal tak terucap “pssstt pelan-pelan kamu teh yang kaya gituan jangan diceritain sama orang-orang atuh”, atau dia malah penasaran mau ikut kita nimbrung percakapan kita yang semakin terdengar seru karena si Mbak terus cerita tentang pengalaman pribadinya.

Dari cerita Mbak tersebut saya tau bahwa dia bekerja di Kuwait selama 3 bulan dan sekarang kontraknya selesai, kali ini dia pulang untuk liburan. Dia sebelumnya pernah bekerja di Saudi sebelum ke Kuwait menjadi TKW selama 4 tahun, dikirim kesana sini oleh agennya. Bekerja berpindah-pindah dari satu tuan rumah ke tuan rumah yang lain. Si Mbak dengan gamblang juga bercerita tentang bagaimana tingkah laku laki-laki Arab Saudi yang genit-genit.

“Wah, laki Saudi mah ngga bisa ngeliat perempuan sedikit weh, matanya tuh kaya mau nerkam”
“Saya pernah punya majikan orang Saudi ngejar-ngejar mau ngawinin saya, padahal dia udah punya istri. Masak malem-malem ngetok-ngetok kamar saya jam 2 malem mau minta celana”.
“Saya tuh sampe ngancem awas loh ya saya bilangin majikan perempuan, tapi dia malah nantangin, katanya bilang aja saya ngga takut ayoo bilangin aja”.

Sayapun tersenyum menghadapi kepolosan si mbak yang begitu percaya mau membagi ceritanya ke saya, orang asing yang baru saja di kenalnya di pesawat. Dalam ceritanya yang panjang digambarkan bahwa anaknya sekarang sedang kuliah kedokteran di Trisakti. Satu titik yang sangat membuat saya terkejut bukan kepalang membayangkan berapa biaya yang harus dihabiskan oleh si Mbak ini untuk mendaftarkan anaknya di salah satu universitas swasta Jakarta yang terkenal prestige dan mahalnya bukan main itu. Apalagi ketika si Mba jelas-jelas menyebutkan jurusan kedokteran. Saya bisa sangat membayangkan angka belasan atau mungkin puluhan juta di kepala saya. Si Mbak pun bercerita tentang anaknya yang juara kelas, pintar mengaji hingga mendapat banyak panggilan, dibayar untuk mengisi acara yasinan orang-orang meninggal. Dia juga bercerita bahwa anaknya itu pintar melukis, dan pernah mendapatkan uang dari lukisannya itu karena ada orang lain yang menawar untuk membeli.

“Ngga pa-pa saya teh cuman lulusan SD tapi yang penting anak saya bisa sekolah tinggi. Sebetulnya saya teh dulu pengen nerusin sekolah, cuman ibu tiri saya ngga ngebolehin. Dia bilang ngapain sih anak perempuan musti sekolah tinggi-tinggi. Terus abis itu saya dikawinin sama orang, saya padahal ngga mau saya ngga suka. Abis kawin paksa saya ngga betah trus saya kabur. Saya sempet kerja di PT. Golden di Tangerang, terus pindah ke pabrik di Tangerang juga. Dan akhirnya saya ketemu sama suami saya sekarang ini.” Seperti diceritakan sebelumnya, suaminya adalah pedagang ikan cuek yang biasa mengangkut dagangannya antara Plered dan Krawang. Sedangkan anaknya sekarang mengekost di daerah sekitar kampusnya.

“Sebetulnya saya teh udah capek bener kerja, cuman bagaimanah saya masih harus biayain anak saya sekolah. Nanti kalo dia udah sekolah dan udah selese trus dapet kerja baru gentian dia ajah yang ngurusin saya”. Saya hanya bisa tersenyum bangga dan berkata “Yah mba ngga apa-apa, demi sekolah mbak yang sabar yah, kan ini demi masa depan yang lebih baik. Mbak harus tetep semangat.” Tak lama kemudian pengumuman mengatakan bahwa kami harus kembali ke tempat duduk masing-masing dan mengencangkan sabuk pengaman kami karena pesawat sebentar lagi akan mendarat di Jakarta. Sayapun mengulurkan tangan, sambil menanyakan namanya. “Jumanah”

Kami berpisah sambil mendoakan selamat satu sama lain, di loket pemeriksaan passport keluar saya mengantri bersama beberapa TKW lain di depan saya, sambil mengantri saya memandangi sign board neon besar terpampang di sebelah kanan antrian custom check, tulisan hijau besar “Selamat Datang Pahlawan Devisa”, saya tersenyum lagi kali ini di dalam hati, aku tiba di Ibukota.

Juli ketujuhbelas tahun dua ribu sembilan masehi
Saya baru saja selesai membakar keringat berolah raga, berusaha mendinginkan diri dibawah kipas angin semilir-semilir ketika saya nyalakan televisi yang menyiarkan laporan langsung menggebu-gebu tentang terjadinya ledakan bom di J.W. Marriot. Yah, laggiii?!? Kutuk saya dalam hati. Saya tidak akan menceritakan kronologis kejadian bom tersebut, karena saya yakin media massa pasti sudah mengeksploitir, mempolitisisasi, berbagai macam informasi dalam berbagai macam versi kepada anda, khalayak umum. Suatu peristiwa yang pastinya tidak diharapkan oleh semua orang, tapi pada kenyataannya telah terjadi dan menimbulkan luka lahir maupun batin.

Suatu aksi terror yang sangat cantik dimainkan oleh pihak yang sampai saat tulisan ini dibuat belum terungkap kepastian pelakunya. Siang menjelang sore, presiden RI terpilih memberikan pernyataan didepan pers mengenai adanya terror lain yang merencanakan penembakan atas dirinya apabila ia terpilih kembali menjadi presiden. Pernyataan tersebut dibuat berdasarkan hasil penyelidikan BIN, sambil menunjukkan gambar dirinya yang dijadikan target tembakan di depan media untuk dikonsumsi secara umum. Teori konspirasi lain bermain lagi dalam situasi seperti ini, dari JFK hingga SBY. Berapa banyak lagi inisial yang akan muncul di benak khalayak? Jamaah Islamiah (JI), Noordin (M) Top, Manchester United (MU), JW Marriot. Ini pesta demokrasi atau kembang api? Saya suka kejutan, bahkan saya cenderung berkata “surprise me!”, tapi terror? Apa kurang cukup terror kemiskinan, terror konsumerisme, terror degradasi nilai.

Saya pun terduduk lemas membenci mengutuk dan mencaci maki dalam hati. Mau dijejali apalagi manusia-manusia bangsaku kelak? Setelah seperkian hari saya lalui wajah-wajah manusia yang sering saya coba raih jalan pikirannya, tercecer di pinggir jalan ibukota. Ada wajah kosong terduduk di bawah pohon menunggu orang menghampirinya dan berkata, “Bu teh botolnya satu!”. Ada wajah histeris tak berdaya merengek, ketika rumah mereka di kolong jembatan di rubuhkan paksa oleh petugas kambtib. Ada wajah melotot berteriak ngotot, “Kurang nih, sekarang tarifnya naek jadi jauh deket dua rebu”. Ada teriakan tawa canda dua pasang muda mudi berboncengan tanpa helm saling berlomba menarik gas motor baru milik orang tua mereka yang belum lunas kreditnya. Bagi mereka, ledakan bom tidak lebih meneror jika dibandingkan dengan bunyi keroncongan perut mereka yang hanya terisi nasi bungkus tahu tempe seharga lima ribu rupiah, karena penghasilan 20 ribu sehari mereka harus bisa memberi makan 4 kepala.

Ada saya yang akhirnya memutuskan untuk segera mengenakan sneakers saya dan berlari, berlari sekuat-kuatnya, melompati selokan-selokan besar berbau amis, menghindari kendaraan-kendaraan serakah yang tak mau kalah oleh kemacetan yang mengambil trotoar. Menerobos asap kenalpot, bunyi-bunyi mesin kendaraan, tali dan tiang-tiang pancang warung kaki lima, dalam dentuman double pedal Agony Scene, Paint It Black…


Yellow Lomolitos

All pictures were taken with  Lomolitos Yellow Flash. The Lomolitos Single-Use Camera with Yellow Color Flash is the first single-use Lomographic camera. The camera includes a single blue filter that can be switched on or off your flash and is pre-loaded with 24 exposure color film for color-flash-tinted shots in day or night. Just hand off the whole camera to any 35mm developer for easy processing.

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